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[03 Nov 2009|02:20pm] |
Women When They Put Their Clothes On In The Morning
It’s really a very beautiful exchange of values when women put their clothes on in the morning and she is brand-new and you’ve never seen her put her clothes on before.
You’ve been lovers and you’ve slept together and there’s nothing more you can do about that, so it’s time for her to put her clothes on.
Maybe you’ve already had breakfast and she’s slipped her sweater on to cook a nice bare-assed breakfast for you, padding in sweet flesh around the kitchen, and you both discussed in length the poetry of Rilke which she knew a great deal about, surprising you.
But now it’s time for her to put her clothes on because you’ve both had so much coffee that you can’t drink any more and it’s time for her to go home and it’s time for her to go to work and you want to stay there alone because you’ve got some things to do around the house and you’re going outside together for a nice walk and it’s time for you to go home and it’s time for you to go to work and she’s got some things that she wants to do around the house.
Or … maybe it’s even love.
But anyway: It’s time for her to put her clothes on and it’s so beautiful when she does it. Her body slowly disappears and comes out quite nicely all in clothes. There’s a virginal quality to it. She’s got her clothes on, and the beginning is over.
-Richard Brautigan
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[23 Aug 2009|03:28am] |
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Tonight I drove past Mikey's house at three in the morning. Bright light was pouring out of every single room so I slowed down and looked in. I remembered so many things. That kid was my first best friend from Rocky River schools. Intermediate school. We both loved Nintendo, Pokemon, Neopets, Crazy Bones, yo yos, hanging out in the mall food court, library and basement of Sam Goody EVERY DAY and making crafts to sell at school fairs. I stopped being his friend the summer before we went to middle school because to be quite honest I was kind of an asshole kid plus everyone always thought he was my boyfriend but I never had those types of feelings for him ever. He was like Matt. Also I think that was when I really getting into Punk and he thought I was weird. We haven't really said much to each other since Middle School so I can't say I miss him, I would be lying if I did. I just miss having a best friend whose house I could get to through by cutting through two backyards. Someone who wanted to play video games and eat Aunties Annes pretzel with gross goo cheese and slush puppies. and play with dogs with me and to go trick or treating with...maybe not trick or treating...but ah I don't know. Mikey. so weird?
My heart feels like peach pit after this day. Maybe not so much my heart but my brain. Worked suckkkkkked ugh 23 hrs of webers in the past two days, 20 to go for the next two days. Pay day couldn't come sooner.
&
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[03 Aug 2009|12:13pm] |
I just woke up from the best dream I've ever had. I've got to write about it now while I remember it.
(enter dream sequence, cue chaotic xylophone music and gaussian blur shots)
I was sitting at my house in Kent one night playing guitar. Everything sounded so damn good. I was reading an old journal entry about taking a roadtrip. I swear I say I will every year. I was fed up, frustrated and had no obligations so I threw some clothes in a duffel bag and got in my car. I stopped off to buy a highway map and highlighted my route. I wound up in Dallas, TX the next night. I stopped into a library and googled punk houses/shows in Dallas. I wound up at some house show just in time to see the last band. When I walked back outside into the dirt parking lot two men in typical navy blue maintenance man jumpsuits were milling around my car. I nervously walked up and they pointed out two flat tires on my car. Realizing I did not have the money to get new tires I tried to talk to them about my options and we ended up getting my car towed.
...now this dream is getting alittle blurry but I haven't gotten to the best part.
For some reason, I wasn't in Dallas anymore, but a more rural part of texas....I slept at the punk house and the next morning went to go get my car by foot. I was walking along a grassy hillside covered in wildflowers and twisting trees. Dirt roads laced the mountain and as I continued to walk this family, in the style of the Swiss Family Robinson came walking down one of those roads and told me they would take me to where my car was. We began to walk up the hill weaving through tumbleweeds, giant patches of flowers and overgrown grasses and rocky trails. It was so vivid in the dream. We journeyed deeper into the forest that the grassy hillside had led us to. We came to a spot were the clearest blue water I've ever seen was pouring out of a giant round cement spout, along a man made creek and down a water fall. But for some reason the water flow was flowing in the direction of spout. Everyone in the family I had been following seemed to have leaped over the little creek. I stood there. I knew I couldn't make that jump. I told them I didn't know what to do. I ended up jumping into the river and swimming across. I started to get sucked into the spout but stopped myself.
I pulled myself up on the land on the other side and we continued on through the forest. When we reached the other side Joe and Meghan were waiting at the body shop for me but neither spoke to me (minor detail I guess).
The last part of the dream I got into my car and continued heading southwest.
This entry does not do the dream justice. Long story short this has totally fueled my desire to take a road trip again. I'm gonna work every weekend until I finish this class and hopefully plan something for the end of August. Appalachia, I've got my eye on you.
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[26 Jun 2009|11:21am] |
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music |
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cult ritual- s/t lp |
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I had the same dream over and over again all night.
and I wish I didn't get upset over really dumb stuff.
Why won't my brain work so that I get mad over legitimate things?
It's even worse cause I know how dumb it is when I get upset.
but I can't help my feelings
atleast I've become less and less vocal about this type of stuff.
bottle up and explode? nah just bottle up and toss the bottle into the lake.
shit i'm corny lately.
Bike ride, wall punch...something will make me feel better today, I'm sure of it.
I'm goin to see the Germs tonight (minus mr. dagger, of course). Gonna see my friends tonight, gonna see my ma tonight. Everything is gonna be alright.
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[23 Jun 2009|10:30pm] |
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avoiding homework |
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music |
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procrastination theme song |
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I've been writing in this livejournal since summer 2003. so weird.
I've spent this entire summer so far slinging ice cream cones to little babies and the geriatric, hiding behind counters sitting indian style on cold linoleum reading, sewing and texting, crouched over a drafting table until every muscle in my back aches and my pens run dry isolating point, line and plane, but more often than not being happy that i am where i am.
while things may not have been what i wanted ideally, they are better than i could have hoped for.
i feel lucky and young again.
i feel like i am learning and while regrets may be dilatory, i am trying to forget them.
so far this summer I've read still life with woodpecker by tom robbins and it was fantastic, he is such a charismatic and colorful writer, I can't wait to read even cowgirls get the blues. I just finished ape and essence by aldous huxley and i might have even liked it better than brave new world. it is written like a screenplay which adds an interesting visual aesthetic. i got the nothing nice to say book and read it in about two days, so awesome, so funny. mitch clem rules. now i'm reading the god delusion by richard dawkins and like a velvet glove cast in iron by daniel clowes.
my holga gltr came in the mail yesterday and i've discovered campus camera sells 120mm film for just $7! yaaay. I hope someone will go on a little scenic expedition with me sometime, given VCD homework permits.
I got out of town last weekend and had such a good time. :)
Here is my tentative and abbreviated list of things I want to do this summer-
1. Go to the drive in
2. bike kent to cleve
3. NYC for a minimum of 3 days, maybe after second session of summer classes before fall semester (?)
4. finish that pake build already jeeeez
5. start a webcomic
6. have sophie, mike, mickey and adam all come visit and stay with me
7. obtain a canon d5 Mark II
8. save zelda
9. swim in as many lakes/rivers/streams as possible
10. ace VCD II
11. stay at a B&B
12. visit mickey in columbus
I'm such a sucker for this sappy song
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[02 Jun 2009|01:33am] |
I just deleted every myspace comment i ever left nick
on second thought it seems like of immature and dramatic
but i just want to erase our relationship from my life
tonight made me realize what series of bullshit lies and feelings of inadequacy and betrayal i constantly felt.
you would think after we breakup this would stop
but he still lies
he's done some totally scummy things towards me since we brokeup and now he is seeing someone else and still saying inappropriate things to me and how is that fair to her??
it reminds me of what he did to me when we started dating.
i don't care if this is public it's fucking true and i'm sick of being made out as the bad guy in this situation just to save face for him.
i'm not even angry anymore but more...amazed?
he literally denied sending me certain texts he sent last night, and then after i forwarded them back to him he tried to twist them around.
he twists everything around and is so dishonest.
i cannot deal with him anymore.
all i ever want is to be friends with my ex's but i've come to realize that i don't need a friend like this.
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[20 May 2009|08:19pm] |
i'm at that defeating moment of maturity when you realize your parents were right,
about so many things
along the way
like not to pick at scabs, especially on your face cause they will become big craterous scars
yeah like that time i tore off my biggest chicken pox scab in the communion line during grade school PSR to gross some boy out who was bugging me
i have an impression now,
right above my right brow
you can see it if you look close enough, kind of looks like someone pressed a soda straw there for thirty seconds and then pulled away
tonight just feels weird
i've been burning alot of bridges lately is all, i'm not ashamed to admit i am wrong.
i always start these entries with such valiant ideas to finish them but now i'm tired and just want to lay in bed and not think about things
i need to stop acting like a child.
there is no excuse.
i realize i've got to change and i will
with this pot of coffee, i will
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| summa summa summa tyyyme |
[14 May 2009|01:37pm] |
FINALS WEAK IS OVER. (yeah, I spelled week wrong, ever heard of a pun)
so much to look forward to
finally summer
best friend today, travels!
beast in the field and lasagna sandwich tomorrow
megabus, mike ghan, and TODD EFFIN BARRY saturday
maybe seein' wolves in the throne room afterwards!!!
Vivre Sa Vie on the big screen sunday
sophie goodnight and that cute cat called isabella for three days
and maybe monday
and doing all sorts of chicago things until tuesday
then megabus again and playing lots of zelda in the interim
i'm happier right now.. than I have been..... in a long time :)
ps matt i got your mail this morning on the way out the door and it put a big smile on my face. have fun in germany, break vegan just to eat spaetzel!
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[14 May 2009|01:37pm] |
today on the drive home to kent from cleveland,
i put on the New Creases cd Mickey gave me and read the insert of the mixtape she made me.
The cover was a map of Ohio between Columbus and Cleveland and she wrote to me about how long we've been friends and how we will always have eachother to confide in, and it's true.
it's crazy to think we met at summer camp 8 years ago. she's moved, I've moved but through thick and thin, through months and months of hardly speaking I still consider her one of my bestfriends.
I started crying at some point during that drive
it was not sad crying
i feel so fucking lucky.
my parents and my friends made my birthday really special for me yesterday, and sometimes I feel like I almost don't deserve it.
Lia got me a cookie monster cupcake from a bakery in tremont but I never got to eat it :(
Meghan brought me a potato pizza, which I also didn't get to eat cause I was too stuffed from all my other birthday treats. We used to always eat potato pizza from this little hole in the wall pizza shop in Brooklyn, it was bought out and it became solely a hot dog place yuck. It made me so happy that she remembered and missed potato pizza almost as much as i did.
Oleh made me bling, with a chrysler emblem he broke off a car last weekend at the stitches show...and i wore it out but just for a little bit.
Mickey made me a tape and homemade peanut butter which I think might have been my favorite gift of all.
I wish birthdays were everyday cause I just wanna be surrounded by my wonderful friends and family all the time.
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| reet reet |
[09 May 2009|10:50am] |
ah today is my birthday and i don't think i have ever dreaded one so much.
i laid awake in my bed listening to night on earth and thunder road on loop (wtf) half crying
consistently sighing
and wishing
i was still a kid.
atleast then i had an excuse to act so childish.
nick found someone, actually, he ditched me today to be with her and i was upset.
he calls me his bestfriend and then does this on my birthday?
it just sucks, i'm not going to go into it.
he is doing what i told him to do and i want him to be happy.
there really is no future between us, and i'm alright with that, still why is it always hard to see a past love with someone else even when it is over for you?
it really is over for me. this always happen. i am a dumb woman sometimes.
yesterday i got in one of those driving moods when i had a two hour break between classes, i ended up at a little place called adell durbin arboretum. it was awesome and nobody was there!
aside from the park maintenance people mowing the lawn in big orange machines.
i took a trail and climbed into a little cave and looked out at the gorge
the thin stream climbing it's way over an endless bed of pebbles with the constant humming buzz of the mowers fifty yards away. i walked deep into the woods and thought about how my dad used to take me to the park when i was a kid.
i would beg and beg, all day long.
can we please leave now? i'd get so tired of playing with the hose in my backyard.
he'd take me into the woods and along the stream, making sure we turned over every rotted log and large rock on the way in search of salamanders and snakes and other pets i could take home.
my dad always understood why i wanted pets, my ma never did.
she had guinea pigs and that was it as a kid.
i still think they should have let me have a dog when i was little.
he showed me how to pick up salamanders from the tail, and that..
even if their tail falls off they will grow a new one.
and no matter how bad of a day i was having when i was little
if i had to do homework
or my bestfriend was grounded
going to the park always made me feel better.
i always resort to a metropark drive to clear my head.
and i guess it's kind of funny to be living on an arboretum now, all i have to do is walk into my backyard. and it's all mine...
i'm grateful for that.
i've been going through some major crap over the past week but what i've learned about myself, what i already knew about myself is that i'm going to be just fine. no matter what happens.
no matter where i am.
if i would have known all of this would have happened when i was just sixteen i probably woulda given up.
i guess that's the funny thing about getting older, you lose your edge. you learn to accept and weather things with a better, more rational perspective. i hope i don't slip into the mediocrity of adulthood that i have seen so many slip into.
i want to stay sharp.
i want to stay spontaneous
and adventurous
and fun!
and free
for as long as i possibly can.
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[29 Apr 2009|09:19pm] |
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KICKING MYSELF.
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[17 Apr 2009|05:16pm] |
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seems sort of childish to be upset about this when i saw it coming for so long.
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| ftw |
[13 Mar 2009|01:35am] |
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wahoooooooooooooooooooo
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[12 Mar 2009|08:15pm] |
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i am so happy i am going out tonight.
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[11 Mar 2009|11:20pm] |
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"Listen...you know those days when you get the mean reds?"
"The mean reds? You mean like the blues?"
"No... the blues are because you're getting fat or because it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"
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[07 Mar 2009|01:08pm] |
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My life right now sort of reminds me of the irony behind a bad fortune cookie.
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[05 Mar 2009|06:05pm] |
I just went for a long walk.
This evening in my backyard, I saw two baby blue birds and a cardinal.
I'm almost embarassed to be as excited about spring, as I am.
It's just seems as though the older I get, the longer winter becomes.
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[05 Mar 2009|01:06pm] |
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mood |
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 refreshed |
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music |
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Glasses- S/T EP |
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Today is the best day ever, would you believe that I am actually writing this outside? Well, I am. It's like 55 and I'm sitting on a tree stump in my backyard. I love having a laptop.
I woke up feeling VERY optimistic and broke out the cut offs and got outside early to ride my bike to campus. It was a little bit chilly but I couldn't complain. Met Anthony at Susans for coffee, went to my favorite class (Human Evolution) while my prof competed with the giant picture windows in the lecture hall for my attention.
After class, I popped in one of the mixes Michael for me and went out cruising with the windows down in the middle of nowhere, occasionally knee driving so i could hang my arms out the window. Cruised for 20 minutes then came home and pet August, Julies dog and here I am.
It's only one o'clock too! I only have a little bit of homework and no idea what I am going to do with the rest of my day, all I know is I want to be outside. Slowly but surely Spring is coming.
This morning as I was doing the dishes, for some reason, a memory of having this wind up music box that played "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" from Oklahoma, when I was a little girl popped into my head. When you opened the music box there was a glass case and inside you could watch how each sound was being made. My grandma taught me the words and I remember her singing it to me. I wish I knew what happened to that..
I'm just glad it wasn't surrey with a fringe on top, for real.
oh ps- This self titled Glasses cd is great. I've already listened to it three times today. Ex-Perth Express/Trainwreck. If anyone reading this (I have no idea who reads this??) is interested
http://www.mediafire.com/?mzwmfuzioeu
pss- I'm trying to write in this more regularly now.
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| Master of Procrastination. |
[26 Feb 2009|02:49pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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ictus- impervim |
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The past couple weeks have been kind of uneventful. I ended up withdrawing from VCD II because it was too much. I had been doing 6 hrs of homework a day, 7 days a week. I wasn't doing well in either of my VCD classes and I decided to take VCD II this summer. I think it was the right decision for sure. 1/3 of summer is going to be rough now but whatever, it is nice to be able to focus on something outside of myself. Distractions aren't so bad I've been learning.
I have been feeling old lately. My body aches and I can't overcome this weak cold I have had since November. I feel responsible? I've noticed a much more rational thought process in myself lately. I almost feel dull. Not quite as sharp or passionately jealous and crazy as I used to be. It's okay. I also kind of feel numb. I'm not really feeling too many strong emotions lately, where I feel like I should be. I guess that is a good thing.
I am still waiting for the snow to melt for the summer. I want to start planting tomatoes, cucumbers and ginger in my garden. I want to have bonfires. I want to ride my bike in the dark with my friends and feel the sun on my skin when I am outside rather than a biting cold. The past couple days have been an exception but it's just a tease.
:(
I'm just ready for a change. I'm bored!
Photobooth boredom today under the cut
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